I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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