You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
