the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
