i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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