Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
