I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
