Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
