yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
