Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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