you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
