so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
