My liver just broke up with me...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
