I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
