You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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