I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
