Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
