sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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