I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
