This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
