plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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