i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
