Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
