Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
