theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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