At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
