I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
