Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
