im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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