I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
