If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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