textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
