Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
