My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
