The maid of honor just puked.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
