I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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