Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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