just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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