things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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