And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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