Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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