I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
