I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
