Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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