Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
