Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
