I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
