I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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