I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I intend to get homeless drunk
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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