That's when you crack a 10am beer
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
