Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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